Today, by the Jewish calender, is the 14th of Adar 5766. We have invited you to join us tonight for the traditional celebration of Purim, as detailed in Esther 9 v 20-24 when Mordecai obliged all Jews to celebrate this festival of G-d's salvation for His people. Purim is a traditional holiday that is celebrated every year throughout the Jewish world with great enthusiasm. Fancy dress and disguises are the order of the day and the story of Purim is often acted out, a little liberty allowed and encouraged in the retelling of this old story. Tonight please sit back and enjoy the story of Purim - with a difference.

Welcome to this special audience with the King and Queen of Persia. The story we are about to tell you took place many years ago, about two and a half thousand years ago in fact, but for this evening we have managed to arrange a special audience with the people who played the leading roles in a story of royal intrigue and romance that rocked the world when it took place and has never ceased to delight readers with it's drama and passion.

Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present His Majesty King Ahasuerus of Persia, his wife, Queen Esther, the Queen's cousin, his Honour Prime Minister Mordecai and His Honour Ex-Prime Minister Haman.

[Enter Xerxes, Esther and Mordecai as named, carrying diaries, RAC looks surprised as Haman does not appear]

[Xerxes, Esther and Mordecai are seated and open diaries. RAC hurries off stage]

[all leaf through diaries to find the right page]

[RAC comes back and sits down on an empty chair, crosses legs, then looks round at those gathered]

That reminds me that the country I last jumped on is Israel - a now small and largely desolate province at the far west of my wonderful, splendid Empire, which extends from Ethiopia to India and covers all the 127 odd provinces in between. Many of Israel's ex-citizens are now living in my capital city, Susa. So far they cause little trouble and add greatly to the prosperity of my kingdom. It's safe to say that they'll never amount to much, but as they are now, they must be considered as an asset.

I haven't had much time for sight-seeing, but it is evident that Susa is a very great city, although it bears no comparison to Jerusalem, our Holy City, where we must always hope and pray to return to soon. Our Jewish people are well-treated at the moment and must be grateful for that. Perhaps this exile will not be for long.

For the time being Uncle Mordecai goes about his business, earning enough to feed us, and I keep house. It's good practise for when I have my own home.

Really, and this is going to be a party such as no one has ever seen or shall see again. I'm inviting absolutely everyone along to see the riches of my royal glory and the splendour of my great majesty. This should really, really impress everyone!

I'm holding the party in the garden - hangings of purple and white, marble columns, pavements made of precious stones and couches of gold and silver. Even the wine - it wouldn't be a party without wine - will be served in golden cups and vessels. Lots of flowers as well, of course. The garden has been totally refitted and the Lord High Chancellor has been an absolute bore. Kept grumbling about the money, but I soon put a stop to that! This party will be fantastic, and everyone will think I'm more wonderful than ever!

[pause - everyone looks at everyone else, then at Esther]

[enter Vashti, holding open diary and looking very snooty]

On the last day of the party some bright spark (no doubt thoroughly inebriated) suggested that I should be present at my royal husband's party. He agreed and sent hot-foot to command my attendance upon him at once wearing my crown. Naturally I did what any women would have done and refused to gratify some crack-pot whim of his to display me to all the guests at his crazy, drunken party. I am not some common girl off the street to be treated like that, but Queen of all Persia, and I told him so in no uncertain terms.

The result has been a Royal Divorce of the first magnitude. All the Royal Advisers have stirred into it, more concerned about their own positions at court and their own domestic peace than the King's honour and happiness. The Susa Gutter Press has had a field day, of course. I can't believe it! And what, for goodness sake, does my royal ex-husband think he's going to do without a Queen?

[exit Vashti - with a great deal of dignity]

[RAC checks in file in an organising sort of way]

[Mordecai nods and smiles as...]

[enter Haggai, beaming and clutching diary]

The Royal Advisers, having advised the Boss to divorce Queen Vashti for her defiance of the King's command, have advised him again, this time to try and find a new queen. I suppose the King is lonely - hardly surprising in this barn of a palace. Anyway, the King's soldiers have gone out through the whole kingdom collecting all the pretty girls they can find. They have been pouring into the palace and still they come. Some are gorgeous, some are so-so; some are thrilled with their selection and some sulk about it. One girl has been crying non-stop for two weeks!

Yours Truly, as I said, is in charge of all His Majesty's Possible Brides. I am to organise a year of beauty treatments for each girl - hair, skin, nails, make-up, eyes, and the rest. That means some six-hundred bubble baths, nail manicures, hair brushings and skin creams a days. Not to mention the course of Princess Lessons that all the girls have to go through before their presentation to the King.

When this is over and the King has a queen again, I'm going to take out my Royal Service Early Retirement Plan and settle down to growing roses and reading the paper.

[Haggai beams round and exits]

I have been chosen by the King's soldiers to go to the palace and appear before the King when he chooses his new queen. I do not understand how this could have happened. Our people have been carried away from Jerusalem and our homeland and now I am separated from my people in our exile. I am a child of Abraham and I have been taken from my home and placed in a strange palace surrounded by strange, idolatrous people who do not know my ways.

Whatever should I do as the queen of a wicked, heathen king? Of course, I may not be chosen, but even then I shall have to remain always at the Royal Palace and will not be allowed to return to my people and my family. I miss cousin Rachel and little cousin Judah already, and Uncle Mordecai, of course.

Uncle Mordecai has told me not to reveal the fact that I am Jewish and I shall continue to obey him as I always have done. Who knows but that this seemingly terrible thing has taken place for a special reason?

[Esther and Mordecai exchange smiles as Haggai dashes back onto the stage, still smiling]

[Xerxes claps in applaud and Esther smiles in dignified but shy self-consciousness]

I have ordered that Esther be denied nothing and be given special beauty treatments. So far she has been most patient throughout all the resting, steam baths, nail and skin care and make-up details. Her Princess Lessons are going well - she is taking to the royal life like a duck to water, although she does keep forgetting that Princesses never cross their legs in public. Still, as I said, Esther is a natural. This is the sort of girl to please the King and make him his next queen!

[exit Haggai beaming and waving]

Incidentally, I appointed a new Prime Minister today. Haman is his name, a man of very extensive property with ten sons. Crafty sort of character - clever and dangerous as an enemy. I'm making sure that he won't be my enemy. He'll make an excellent P.M.

[Esther gives a dry, polite cough]

Anyway, I have found favour in Xerxes' eyes, he loves me and has set the royal crown (or tiara or whatever it is) on my head. I had some pre coronation jitters before I was crowned, but now I am the Queen of the most powerful ruler in the world - and my new husband does not yet know that I am Jewish! Uncle Mordecai has told me not to reveal this to anyone and I have not yet done so. Heaven grant that I may be a good queen!

[coughs and throat clearings from Esther, Mordecai and RAC]

... er, yes, exactly, cool, as I was saying, I have found my Queen! Her name is Esther, which means a star, and she is one! I've never seen a more lovely girl and the world has never seen a more beautiful queen. Let everyone hear it from East to West, North to South, that King Xerxes has found his love!

I have been sitting at the King's Gate every day for some time now, as it is a good way of catching sight of Esther whenever she passes by. Otherwise I have to make do with emailing or text-messaging her. The other day I heard a couple of the Palace Security Guards plotting to assassinate the King. They were planning to smuggle a bomb past security to the King's garages and plant it in the King's favourite Jaguar. I emailed Queen Esther about the plot and the guards have been removed - I don't think they'll be bothering anyone again.

[a pause in which every looks at everyone else]

[RAC checks in file in a worried sort of way]

[Esther turns to Xerxes]

Are you supposed to read next, My King?

[enter Scribe with Haman's diary held gingerly at arms length]

[RAC looks over his shoulder and looks where Scribe is pointing]

What's that word? Pinapple Oh, I see ...

Prime Minister for all Persia, all one hundred and twenty-seven provinces from India to Ethiopia. Next to being King ...

[Scribe looks up]

[primly] Really, I hesitate to read this. It is so disrespectful to His Majesty that he might reasonably ...

[Scribe looks alarmed and seems to brace himself]

[looks up and shakes his head] This handwriting is atrocious. Anyway ...

But there is this Jew called Mordecai who always sits in the King's gate and always refuses to bow down. It's not good for me and I'm not going to put up with it any longer. It's affecting my ...

My ... ? My ... buoyancy ? Oh ... [in dawning understanding]

It's affecting my blood-pressure. My plan is this: Mordecai is a Jew and says that he is forbidden to bow down to me by his religion, a clear act of defiance, but more than that, its intolerance towards the beliefs of others (namely me), and I will not tolerate intolerance in anyone. Least of all from Mordecai. I'm going to get permission from King Pepper-Pot [Scribe gulps and glances at Xerxes] to hang Mordecai and then kill the rest of his people.

[thankfully] That's all.

[exit Scribe, still holding diary at arms length]

Today Haman came to me to tell me about the danger presented to the security or economy (or something) of my dazzling empire by a certain people currently in residence. The Jews from Israel, that little province on the western edge of my empire, are apparently different from us to an unacceptable degree, following their laws and refusing to obey mine. Haman seems to think that the sooner they are gone from the empire, one way or another, the better. He offered to take care of all the tedious details for me and pay me to do it. Naturally, I couldn't in all conscience pass up an offer like that, so I gave Haman my Royal Signet Ring and told him to get on with it!

The King doesn't like just anyone being able to barge into his presence in the Throne Room and anyone who goes to him without an invitation is doomed to die, unless the King extends his golden sceptre. Xerxes can be just a tiny bit temperamental at times and has such a strong objection to being interrupted that no one can remember the time he last held out the sceptre to anyone. If I go to the King, I die at his hands, and if I stay silent, I die with my people after making no effort to save them.

[Xerxes looks indignant and seems about to interrupt, then changes his mind]

I have asked Uncle Mordecai to see that all the Jews in the kingdom fast with me for three days and I will do the same with my maids. Then I shall go to the King, cost it even my life. Uncle wonders whether I have not come to this royal position as Xerxes' Queen for such a time as this.

Anyway, I took Haman along to Esther's party, which was, naturally, as wonderful as I had expected anything I am invited to attend to be. Haman was delighted to be going of course, and I was hoping that I would get to the bottom of all this pizza-party-stuff. But Esther served us the most delicious deep-pan pizza I've ever had (as I had knew she would) and asked us to another pizza-party-thing tomorrow night. I hate being kept waiting for things! Still, two fancy dinners in a row that I haven't had to pay for and fight the Lord High Chancellor over has to be cool.

Her diplomatic skills are excellent ... she is polite, but vague. Very vague! Still, I hope that Esther will let me in on what is going on soon. [pause] Perhaps it's a surprise present for me!

[pause while RAC looks in file and everyone looks at everyone else]

[RAC looks alarmed]

[Enter Scribe, carrying Haman's diary gingerly which he opens]

[briskly] Excellent! Please begin with [looks over Scribes shoulder] that excert there.

[Scribe: looks up, obviously pained] That's debatable. His spelling is appalling and the greatest good the Queen could have done was to teach him some grammar and punctuation basics. Anyway ...

[dryly] His handwriting hasn't improved. He seems to be talking about the menu. Could you tell me what that word, just there, says? Macaroon?

[RAC looks over his shoulder again]

[Scribe rolls his eyes and sighs deeply]

That's that, thank goodness!

[exit Scribe]

I've just been looking though my old 'Royal Books of Me'. I always keep them handy - one must have something sensational available to read at all times. Anyway, I discovered this entry that I don't even remember writing in the first place, about an attempted security breach that took place some some time ago. Apparently two of the Palace Security Guards planned to smuggle a bomb past security into my garages and plant it in my favourite Jaguar - the green one with flowers painted all over it. If they had succeeded I'd still have had all the others, but that is not the point. Planting bombs all over the place is an exceptionally anti-social thing to do - especially around me!

Anyway, apparently it was that Jewish man named Mordecai, who I have seen sculling around the palace gates once or twice, who found about the plot, sent the queen an email about it and therefore saved myself and my Jaguar. Somehow he was never rewarded at the time, so I set about rewarding him now. Haman was coming to see me about something or the other - he is always ready for a social gathering, even at 2 am, and it didn't seem to occur to him that my being awake this morning was only a matter of coincident - and actually, I think he must have had the same idea as me, since he was muttering something about Mordecai when he came in. Then he suggested himself what reward the Jew should have before I even named the man I wished to reward.

Haman himself has taken Mordecai out in my psychadelic pink BMW, wearing my best leather jacket with the gold zipper, and on his head, my crown. Haman will tote him round town, blowing the horn and letting everyone know what good things come to those who don't try to scupper security, but instead, please the most important person in the empire - me!

The King was ... surprised! He had said that the real reason for my party might be a surprise, and it was. I thought for a moment that he was going to throw the deep-pan pizza at me, but then he asked who it was who dared to threaten me or anyone who belonged to me. When I named Haman as the man who would dare to do such a thing, I realised that Haman was in more danger of having all the pizza thrown at him than I was.

Haman is to be hung on the same gallows that he built to hang Uncle Mordecai on. And, my people will be safe. Uncle was right - I have come to this position for such a time as this.

Oh, and the first thing Mordecai did with my permission was send out letters in my name to everyone in my fabulous empire saying that all the Jewish people have my Royal Permission to defend themselves against anyone who tries to kill them on the 14th of Adar. Not even I can revoke my earlier law saying that the Jews would be attacked, but, as I said, they have my say-so to defend themselves. That's the deal!

I have sent out decrees to all Jews saying that the 14th of Adar is always to be kept as a holiday, with feasting and gifts to be sent to the poor. We must always remember the deliverance that took place on this day.

Who says that miracles never happen? Miracles do happen, once in a while!!

[RAC stands up and smiles round while everyone closes diaries and stands up]

[RAC 'speaks' into 'phone] Send in the pizza!

[Xerxes, Esther and Mordecai all cheer, clap, whistle and generally celebrate!]

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