For my sister, the inspiration behind 'Abigail', in memory of chasing a spider through the window, in honour of turning seventeen, and in hopes that you will be able to learn how to to drive soon!

Part 1

My brother Joel and I were late for Youth Group again. It was really my fault. I am seventeen and I am trying to learn how to drive. Trying is the operative word. Abba and Joel give me driving lessons whenever they can. It's taking a while because Dad's car is the Company Car and has automatic gears, while Joel's car is very old and battered and is always in danger of losing its gearbox altogether. I can drive Dad's car quite nicely, driving Joel's car is quite a different matter. Besides the fact that I sometimes forget really basic rules of the road and do silly things.

On this particular afternoon I drove round a round-about the wrong way. Joel was planning the Youth Group Purim Play, writing on the back of an old envelope balanced on the dashboard. There were no other cars on the round-about and I had a blank and couldn't remember which way I was supposed to drive round the round-about. Should I go to the right or the left? I decided not to ask Joel, drove to the right and didn't realised that I was wrong until Joel looked up. He looked puzzled for a moment and then yelled, "Goodness, Abigail, you're going the wrong way!"

We stopped the car, changed places so that Joel could get off the round-about and turn the car round, and changed places again. Then I stalled the car five times because I was nervous. Joel was scribbling away on the back of the envelope again by the time I finally got the car to start and move forward. I drove really slowly and carefully all the rest of the way to the Synagogue. Then Joel parked the car. We were late - the last ones to arrive!

We are Messianic Jews and our synagogue is not as big as the other synagogues in town - the Orthodox Synagogue and the Reform Synagogue. Still, our synagogue is very nice. Apart from the Sanctuary, with the Gallery and the Bima, we have a Kiddish Room. Joel, who is twenty-two, runs the synagogue Youth Group. We have meetings in the synagogue Kiddish Room, once a week, on Sunday afternoons and evenings. There are seven kids in the Youth Group besides me - Aaron and Sarah Rosen, Hope O'Conner and Lissie Russell, Gideon Lewis and Steven McInnes, and the new girl Kelsie Miller. Then there's me - Abigail Robbins.

Everyone else was waiting outside the synagogue when we got out of the car. Kelsie Miller, whose family had only recently moved into town and started coming to our synagogue, came to helped us unload the bags of fizzy drink and snacks that Joel and I had brought. Joel produced the door key and opened the side door. Then he led the way to the Kiddish Room. It was beginning to get dark inside, so Joel flicked on the lights in the corridors and the Kiddish Room. I closed the curtains and unpacked the drinks and snacks with Kelsie's help. When everyone had got something to eat and drink and was more-or-less comfortably seated, Joel produced the envelope he had been writing on and read aloud the ideas for the Youth Group Purim Play written on the back of it.

Finally he said, "The Rabbi said that although it's only two weeks until Purim we'll definitely be allowed to do a Purim Play at the Synagogue Purim Party - as long as well all work hard to learn our lines, make the scenery and costumes, and practise until we're perfect. What do you all say?"

Aaron and Sarah Rosen, the Rabbi's children and the serious members of the Youth Group, murmured agreement and nodded. Gideon Lewis and Steven McInnes stopped trying to push each other off the chair they were sharing, in some sort of friendly wrestling match, and cheered and whistled. In the process they spilt half a tin of fizzy drink all over themselves. Kelsie Miller beamed approval and gave the thumbs-up. Hope O'Conner and Lissie Russell stopped whispering together and clapped. Then they all looked at each other and at Kelsie. I guessed that they were already wondering which one of them was going to be Queen Esther.

I told myself that I was glad that I wouldn't have to fight for the part of Queen Esther with the other girls. I was going to do what I always did - paint the scenery and make the costumes. On the night, I'd dress everybody up in their costumes and do their make-up. I'd work behind the scenes to make sure that the Purim Play went well. I really enjoyed all the art and design and the backstage work - and I was good at it. Most importantly of all, no one was ever disappointed with what I did or asked, "Why is Abigail Robbins being Queen Esther? She's no good!"

I jumped when Joel asked, "What about you, Abigail? Do you think we can do a Purim Play together in just two weeks?"

Joel came to my rescue. Quickly he jumped up and said, "Er ... great! If we're all decided and we really want to do a Purim Play, shall we get started? I have a play already written, so I suggest we begin by handing out parts. There are four main characters in the Purim Play - Queen Esther, Mordecai, King Xerxes, and Haman. In addition there are four minor characters - Queen Vashti, Haman's Wife, and Queen Esther's Two Maids. Does anyone have any questions?"

At once, Kelsie Miller put up her hand. She smiled round and asked, "Er ... Joel, who will be Queen Esther?"

I exchanged a look with Sarah Rosen, Hope O'Conner, and Lissie Russell. Kelsie was the prettiest girl in the Youth Group and was taking Drama and Theatre Studies at Sixth Form College. We all thought that it was a bit much for Kelsie to ask who was going to be Queen Esther when the answer was obviously that it would be her. Especially when she was the new girl, who hadn't grown up with the rest of us.

Joel nodded encouragingly and said, "Well ... I don't know. Do you have a suggestion?"

Kelsie put her head on one side and said unexpectedly, "Yes - I do have a suggestion! Queen Esther is the most important character in the Purim Play and whoever is Queen Esther must bring the character alive for the audience! Don't you agree?"

Joel nodded a little uncertainly, "Yes ... I suppose so! Er ... who do you think should be Queen Esther?"

I thought about Joel's question. It was almost certain that Kelsie would be Queen Esther. She was very pretty and she was a good actress. But if Kelsie wasn't Queen Esther ... what if I was Queen Esther? I thought about the idea for a moment. I would wear the Crown and Royal Robes gracefully and regally. I would act Queen Esther as a very young Queen, with a natural sweetness and dignity. I could almost imagine myself saying the lines Queen Esther had in the play ...

Kelsie looked round. Joel, Aaron and Sarah were listening seriously, but no one else was. Gideon and Steven were continuing their friendly wrestling match, trying to push each other off their chair, fizzy drink splashing around. Hope and Lissie sat a little apart from everyone else, whispering and giggling. Kelsie shrugged her shoulders and addressed herself to Joel. She said clearly, with a bounce in her voice, "I think that Abigail Robbins should be Queen Esther!"

I was so surprised that I stared at Kelsie disbelievingly. Joel was as surprised as I was. He looked from Kelsie to me and back again to Kelsie. Then he asked, "You want Abigail to be Queen Esther?"

Kelsie looked assured and confident. She smiled, "Yes!"

Joel asked, "Well, Abigail, what do you say?"

My brother, Kelsie, Aaron and Sarah all looked at me. I started studying the chipped nail varnish again. I couldn't believe that Kelsie really wanted me to be Queen Esther after what she had said about Queen Esther being the most important character in the Purim Play and the girl who played her bringing her character alive for the audience. I opened my mouth and then closed it again.

For a moment I imagined what would happen if I accepted the part of Queen Esther. I pictured myself wearing the Crown and Royal Robes. I heard myself speaking with sweetness and dignity. I imagined being Queen Esther for a night. Then I thought of the audience who would be watching the Purim Play. They would wonder why Abigail Robbins was playing Queen Esther. I would disappoint them all. I would forget my lines. Then I winced as I remembered a voice from the past, ten years ago, saying, "Why is Abigail Robbins being Queen Esther? She's no good!"

I shook my head. I could not be Queen Esther. I knew that I should thank Kelsie for her belief that I could play the part and her generosity in wanting me to have it. I opened my mouth again. Tentatively I said, "Kelsie ... I ... I ..." Everyone was looking at me now. Hope and Lissie, Gideon and Steven, as well as the others. Desperately I blurted out, "No! I ... I can't be Queen Esther. I ... thank you. But ... no!"

Kelsie looked a little surprised. I knew that she was feeling hurt by my abrupt refusal to play Queen Esther. I picked at the chipped nail varnish as if it was the most important thing in the world. Quickly Joel said, "Er ... that's okay, Abigail. Don't worry about it! Kelsie, what part would you like to have in the Purim Play?"

Kelsie laughed, "Well, if Abigail doesn't want to be Queen Esther then I would love to have that part, of course! But I'll be happy with any part, so maybe I should be Queen Vashti and Haman's Wife. I think I would make them as ugly as possible. Like this!"

Kelsie pulled a dreadful face and everyone laughed. Then Sarah said, "Kelsie ... would you mind if I was Queen Vashti and Haman's Wife? I really don't want a big part. I've got my GCSEs in June and I really don't want lots of lines to learn for the Purim Play as well as my Course Work. If Abigail doesn't want to be Queen Esther, why don't you take that part? You'll be great!"

Kelsie looked uncertainly at Hope and Lissie. Hope said, "Don't worry about me ... or Lissie! Joel, may I be one of Queen Esther's maids?"

Joel grinned, "Definitely, if you really want to be one of the maids! Are you sure you don't want a larger part?"

Hope shook her head, "Oh no, I'd really like to be one of the Royal Maids ..."

Lissie interrupted her, "And I'd like to be one, too! Please Joel ... we'll dress the same and speak at the same time and everything. It would be really cool!"

Joel laughed, "Alright! If that's what you really want! So ... Hope and Lissie are going to be Queen Esther's Maids, Sarah is going to be Queen Vashti and Haman's Wife ... and Kelsie is going to be Queen Esther. Right?"

Kelsie looked across at me doubtfully. I met her eyes and felt dreadful. I wished I could think of something to say to make everything right. But I couldn't. Instead I shook my head and smiled. Kelsie rolled her eyes, but smiled back. Then she turned to Joel and said, "Thank you! I would love to be Queen Esther!!"

Joel breathed a sigh of relief and pretended to fan himself with the old envelope. Then he said, "Girls, you must all talk to Abigail about your costumes. She's our resident artist and designer, and she has agreed to take care of the scenery and the costumes. Boys ... who wants to be Haman?"

The girls all gathered round me and I relaxed. I had brought a notebook and a pen with me. I opened the notebook and wrote at the top of the first page, "Youth Group Purim Play". Then I looked expectantly at the girls. "So ... does anyone have any ideas about what costumes they want?" I prompted.

Hope and Lissie exchanged a look. Hope said, "We have to look like Royal Maids ..."

Lissie added, "And we need to look alike ..."

They both looked at me anxiously. I put my head on one side and thought for a moment. Then I said, "How about if you wore dresses like these ... with aprons like these ..." I sketched a picture in my notebook and handed it across to the girls. They looked at it, then looked at each other, and nodded. I made a note of what they wanted and drew some more pictures. When Hope and Lissie were satisfied with their costumes, we talked about what Sarah wanted to wear as Queen Vashti and Haman's Wife. Hope and Lissie wandered away and started practising a short dance routine they planned to do together as Queen Esther's Maids.

Finally Kelsie asked, "What about Queen Esther's costume?"

I grinned, "I've been thinking about that forever - trust me! I thought maybe we could dress Esther in layers. A really simple dress for when she is living at home with Mordecai, then a pretty dress for when she meets the King and when she's at home in the Royal Palace, then a grand Royal Robe to wear with her crown when she becomes Queen and when she goes to see the King. What do you think?"

I went forward through my notebook to show Kelsie the sketches and notes I had made earlier. She looked at them and laughed, "Wow! It looks amazing. Are you sure you can do this?!"

I nodded and Sarah said, "She always takes care of the art and design when the Synagogue does plays and things. She paints gorgeous scenery and makes the most wonderful costumes and ..."

"Sarah!" I protested. Then I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Kelsie. Picking at my nail varnish again, I said, "I really love it. It's so much fun!"

Kelsie looked at me with a new sort of interest. Then she said lightly, "Maybe you should consider studying art and design at university. You could become a professional artist or a professional designer ... whichever you fancy!" Kelsie was silent for a moment. Then she turned to me and asked, "Hey, could I help you paint the scenery for the Purim Play?"

I was surprised at Kelsie's question and wondered for a moment whether she was making fun of me. I decided that she was just trying to be nice, but did probably not really want to help paint the scenery. I smiled and said, "That would be fine. If mean, if you really want to!"

Kelsie laughed, "Of course - I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to!"

I smiled again and flipped my notebook closed. Sarah went to join Aaron. Kelsie and I were left alone. I said, "I think you'll enjoy being Queen Esther. The synagogue does a Purim Play every year and I think the other girls and I have all had a turn at being Esther. It's a sort of tradition!"

Kelsie twiddled with my pen and said abruptly, "So ... if you have been Esther before, why don't you want to be Queen Esther again this year?"

"Er ... so you can be Queen Esther!?!" I suggested lamely.

I didn't expect Kelsie to believe me and she didn't. She tossed her head and said, "Right ... I don't think! Come on Abigail, what's the real reason?"

I said truthfully, "I do love the art and design that I do. And I love working backstage, dressing everyone up and doing their make-up. That's my job ... not standing on the stage and looking pretty!"

"Oh!" Kelsie said, exasperated. "As if you couldn't do the art and design as well as be Queen Esther. Honestly, Abigail, you'd be great! You're so sweet and thoughtful. You wouldn't just stand on the stage and look pretty ... you'd really bring her character alive for the audience. Won't you reconsider ... ?"

I leafed through my notebook and fiddled with my pen. Finally I said, "I can't act and do stuff in front of people, like you and the others can. If I was Queen Esther I would let you all down ... and disappoint the audience. I'd forget my lines." Kelsie didn't look convinced and I added desperately, "Or I might even be sick ..."

"Oh no, you wouldn't!" Kelsie said promptly. "I wouldn't let you!!"

I bit my lip, "I think I might! You don't know ... don't worry. Please, you be Queen Esther. I love making scenery and costumes. I'd really much rather have it this way. I mean it!"

Kelsie was quiet for a moment. She looked at me thoughtfully. Then she laughed and said, "Alright, Abigail, if you really mean it. But only on one condition! You must be my Understudy so that if, Heaven Forbid, I break my leg or something before Purim, the play can go on. Is it a deal?"

I relaxed and smiled, "It's a deal!"

At that moment Joel shouted above the buzz of conversation, "Okay ... you all need a script for the Purim Play. I expect you all to read the Purim Play this week and start learning your lines. Come and get one script each!"

Kelsie jumped up and laughed, "Got to go!"

Later, when I had gone over my ideas for costumes with the boys, the rest of the Youth Group went home and I helped Joel to lock up the synagogue. Then Joel drove home. He offered to let me drive, but I shook my head. As got into the car I said, "I think I need to read The Highway Code again before I drive again. Honestly, I just couldn't remember which way I was supposed to drive round the round-about - left or right. It was really scary!"

I did up my seatbelt and smiled. As he did up his seatbelt and started the engine, Joel grinned at me and said, "You're telling me! I don't think I'll ever forget looking up and finding you driving the wrong way round the round-about. Not only driving round the round-about the wrong way ... but doing it in my car! Whew!!"

We were silent for a while. It was dark and the light in the car came and went as we drove under street lights and passed other cars. I looked through my notebook and made a few additional notes. I thought about the garage where I would make the scenery and costumes. I wondered whether Kelsie would remember her offer to help paint the scenery. I decided that she would probably not. I jumped when Joel suddenly said, "Abigail?"

"Y ...yes?!?" I asked nervously.

Joel laughed, "Don't sound so worried! I was just wondering ... why didn't you want to be Queen Esther?"

I was silent for a moment. Then I said, "I suppose because I'm scared. I haven't been Queen Esther in a Purim Play since ... you know, that time when I was seven ..."

"You mean the time you forgot your lines and all the kids laughed?" Joel asked.

I nodded in the darkness and bit my lip. Then I almost whispered, "I forgot my lines, and all the kids laughed. And ... and afterwards I heard one of the mothers in the audience asking why I was Queen Esther. She said I was no good. I don't want that to happen again. I'm scared that if I was Esther it would happen again ... I would let you all down and disappoint the audience. Everyone would wonder why Abigail Robbins was being Queen Esther. I ... I just can't do it."

Joel was silent while he drove into our road and parked the car outside the house. The sitting room windows were blazing with light and I knew that Dad and Mum were sitting inside, reading or talking. The landing light was on upstairs. That meant that Benjamin, aged twelve, and Miriam, aged seven, were in bed. I was about to get out of the car when Joel reached out and took my hand. Gently he said, "I'm sorry you are not going to be Queen Esther. I agree with Kelsie. I think you'd do a great job ... !"

I smiled at him rather sadly through the darkness, "Thank you ..."

Even more gently Joel continued, "... but I do understand how you feel."

I fiddled with my notebook and pen. Then I whispered, "In a way I would really like to be Queen Esther. I was just too scared to say 'Yes' when Kelsie offered me the part. I'm still too scared. But I'm also scared in case being scared stops me doing things like this all my life. In case I'm so scared that I always miss out on the good stuff ..."

There was silence in the car. I exclaimed, "Goodness! Did I just say that?!?"

Joel laughed. Then he said, "Abigail, I think you have a lot of courage and that it's in there somewhere, way down under the fear. I wouldn't be surprised if a time comes when you have to take a choice between giving into your fear or being courageous and overcoming it to save the day and help someone else ... or something like that!"

I groaned and said, "Thank you! Er ... is that supposed to make me feel better?!?"

Joel laughed, "I don't know!" Then he added seriously, "I meant a bit like Queen Esther. I bet that she was scared about going to see King Xerxes when he hadn't invited her and the penalty for going to the King without an invitation was death. The important thing was that she didn't let her fear overcome her. She was courageous and did the right thing in spite of her fear. Remember that, Abigail. Being courageous is not about not being afraid. It's about doing the right thing in spite of being afraid. And G-d can give you the courage you need if you ask Him for it. Does that make sense?"

I snapped my notebook closed and tucked the pen behind my ear. Then I asked, "Are you implying that I made the wrong decision in declining to be Queen Esther in the Purim Play?"

Joel shook his head, "Absolutely not!"

I decided to ask one more question, "If that time does come, when I have to be like Queen Esther, do you think I'll be able to rise to the occasion?"

"Absolutely!" Joel said. I knew he meant it.

It was getting cold in the car. As Joel locked the car and joined me on the front doorstep with the front door key, I asked, "By the way, which of the boys is going to be Haman in the Purim Play? I was talking with the girls while you were handing the boys' parts out."

Joel laughed, "Were you? Well ... Steven McInnes is going to be Mordecai, Gideon Lewis is going to be King Xerxes, and Aaron Rosen is going to be Haman!"

"No!" I shrieked. "Aaron Rosen? The Rabbi's son? He's going to be Haman?!"

"That's right!" Joel said. "Aaron said he really wanted to be Haman and insisted that his father wouldn't mind. The audience will love it!"

As Joel opened the front door I said, "Well, I suppose that Aaron has as much right to be Haman as anyone else. After all, it's not his fault he's the Rabbi's son. I wonder what the Rabbi will say ... Sarah playing the parts of Queen Vashti and Haman's Wife, Aaron playing the part of Haman! Cool!!"

Copyright J. E. Allen - MET